Pause. Nourish. Restore

Hi. testing this thing out. Is it on?

Everything over here in this world is very much in process, even the blogging. It’s evolving, growing, and, yes coming along but definitely in process or progress. I digress.

I have some big news that I would like to share with you all. I did finish my 200 Hour Yoga Teacher Training with my teacher Matece at Nourishing Heart Yoga School in Bloomington, Indiana. 200 hrs from September-November. Whew! I finished up just in time to celebrate the coming of my 41st year, on this plane, in this time. It wasn’t planned that way but it feels pretty significant when I think about where I was a year ago and what I spoke out into the seen and unseen then.

It feels good to be done with this part and also I was sad to see it come to an end. It was intense but lovely. A challenge yet freeing. If you know, you know.

There was a routine in all of it that I desperately needed. The routine of being a student and intentionally learning about something I love. The routine of taking care of myself and loving myself out loud.

The routine of

144,

time with my teacher,

asana labs,

Soma Coffeehouse & Juice Bar,

Feta Kitchen,

Yin Class & Seasonal Flow,

Bryan Park.

The routine of family coming over to my house for a few hours or more and taking my shift so I could hop into my car, hit the road to Bloomington, tune out to the world and into my soul. I loved it so much and I just tried to soaked it all in. I enjoyed it, truly.

Ironically, the part I struggled with the most, the hardest part for me was when I had to take all that I had learned and on 3 to 4 separate occasions, stand at the front of the room in front of people and teach yoga. The exact thing I was learning to do. That I couldn’t wait to do. The whole “why” I was there.

Here I am studying yoga in a YTT program of my choosing something I have always wanted to do, a 1:1 ratio, Matece and I. A dream of mine that was coming true.The perfect situation really and I am terrified to teach all that I have come to learn. Like forget my words and where I am standing, terrified! What?!

Turns out, this journey if you will, this path was less about learning how to teach yoga and more so a spiritual journey. A journey to unseen parts of myself. And therefore it felt very personal and unprocessed and I felt imperfect and raw out in the world. I wasn’t perfect and don’t expect to be but also I wasn’t ready.

Each time I wasn’t ready, and through my own hesitance, I ushered in a crowdless room, each time luckily for me one person would show up. And no this isn’t that type of love story… it was a different person every time, someone seeing my teachers bat signal who would come in and sit with me (pause), let me talk to them and breath with them (nourish), and they all shared their own experience of a time when… and these acts of kindness and showing up (restore) would allow me to move into the space of trust and teach asanas. I am so thankful to those ladies and a whole page of other people whom helped a dream of mine come to fruition.

But it doesn’t stop there right, because I still have to go out into my community, into the world and teach yoga if I want to change the world or pay the bills. Which I truly want to do. So here I am in mid-December and I am still in process… intentionally.

Here I am sitting quietly with myself, intentionally, continuing to pause, nourish, restore and weigh my impact, while I integrate the beauty of yoga into my life fully and study the parts that I believe are calling to me because of me. And that reminds me of a story (yes a story within in story, ha! I am known for it).

I was reading last spring the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and there is this part in the book where Elizabeth writes “ you’re not required to save the world with your creativity, your art not only doesn’t have to be original, in other words it also doesn’t have to be important. For example, whenever anyone tells me that they want to write a book in order to help people, I always think, ‘oh please don’t. Please don’t try to help me. I mean it’s very kind of you to help people but please don’t make it your sole creative motive because we will feel the weight of your heavy intention, and it will put a strain upon our souls.”

When I read that I was like laughing, clapping, and wildly shaking my head yes all at the same time. Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for saying it! I very humbly want to help others. It is innate within every fiber of my being. Sometimes when I move from that space I forget what it is I may need or want and/or what it takes to restore me. I often feel depleted, tired, sometimes hurt, and even used and I am not sure the other person or persons were helped. So through my turtling and tortoise pace I have realized what I need (currently) and I am being called to take care of myself and it turns out that what I need most is what others have needed too. So I can take care of me and still serve another purpose and I love it. I know that there are times when I step on to my mat not having any clue what it is I may step off with but it is always exactly what I need that I didn’t even know I needed.

All of this to say, I have bolsters. Yeah, yoga bolsters and I have some good stuff coming to me and to you in 2023. Stay tuned.

Love,

Jennifer